Recently I was asked to speak on this topic so I thought I’d blog about it as well since it seems to come up in so many of my coaching sessions.
Do you ever wonder why you allow others to upset you so much? The answer is in the question! Because you allow it! We love to believe that other people make us angry, resentful, or whatever the toxic feeling may be, but the truth is that NO ONE can do that to you! You have power over how you interpret a situation, conversation or circumstance.
Of course, people do things that do not align with our values. You might hear something that triggers a response in you that may leave you feeling hurt, rejected, or defensive, but guess what! You chose that response! You created a story in your head that left you feeling exactly the way you feel. And that’s good news because you can change your response in a way that will no longer have you affected by anything anyone else does or says.
So you’ve got some work to do if you no longer want to be affected in a way that drains your energy, right?
The first step calls for a new level of self awareness. In order to make a new choice in any situation, you must be present to how you are being affected. Check in with yourself when you begin to feel affected and notice the way you are interpreting the situation. Notice how you are instantaneously giving your power away to another. When we are being affected by someone or something we are being offered an opportunity to shift our energy from the situation and turn it back on ourselves and show up powerfully. But what do we do instead? We defend and blame and turn that negative energy back towards the other only creating a vicious cycle of disconnect and suffering. Sound familiar?
The next step is to take a look to see what you need to do in the situation. Usually when we are affected by another, we are expecting a specific outcome, particularly around something THEY should do. It’s much easier to want someone else to show up different than for us to have to make a new choice, but that’s exactly what’s needed. Either a boundary needs to be put in place or a communication needs to be delivered. Here’s an example:
I worked with a client who consistently was affected by her mother. She resented her mom for continually asking her to drive her around to run errands, and she felt as though she was being used and manipulated by her mom. She became more and more angry and resentful with her mom to where she became disrespectful towards her until it snowballed into a huge confrontation where they both walked away angry. As I coached her, she became aware of how she gave her power over to her mother and how she continued to falsely hope that her mother would stop manipulating her. As I worked with her she began to understand her own behavior and choices and over time she learned how to create and maintain boundaries with her mother. Instead of being at her mother’s beck and call she gave her specific times that she would be willing to take her out. Since then the relationship has shifted for the better, my client is much happier and she feels empowered by the new choices she has made and continues to make.
Awareness and action are the keys to self fulfillment, better relationships and owning your power!
Contact me for a coaching session specifically around this topic! You’ll be glad you did!
No related posts.
